Assertivness Training MAKING REQUESTS

It can often be difficult to ask other people to do what we want; we don’t want to make a fuss- we are scared of refusal; we feel we have no real right to ask for their cooperation. However, not asking means not getting and often leads to resentment. Oddly enough, many people operate as if others have a built in crystal ball- we expect them to know what we want without us asking !

Alternatively, aggressively making demands of others can lead them to become resentful and deliberately obstructive.

The aim should be to recognise that we have the right to make requests of others and that they have an equal right to refuse. Assertiveness does not guarantee you will get what you want- it merely increase the chances.

Don’t apologise profusely for your request. The long wind up to a request implies that you feel you have no right to make it.

Be direct and to the point. If you make hints rather than requests, people are likely to be suspicious of both.

Don’t justify making the request e.g. “I wouldn’t normally ask” or  “I don’t want to be a nuisance, but …”.

Keep it short. Long winded explanations are confusing and increase the chances that you will start justifying yourself.

Give a reason for your requests if you think it will help, but be sure it is genuine and keep it brief. “My car’s in the garage tomorrow, could you give me a lift to work ?”.

Don’t “sell” your request with flattery or bribes. “You’re just the person, would you mind ?”.

Don’t play on people’s friendship or good nature.

Don’t take a refusal personally, even when the request is of a personal nature or when a work colleague is also a friend. Otherwise, s/ he might feel guilty for refusing it.

Respect the other person’s right to say no. With a personal request take no for an answer. Don’t plead or bully. With a work request, give more information and clarification, find out why the person can’t meet your request. If the answer is still no, turn your efforts to finding a workable compromise.

SAYING NO

Many people find this difficult and end up saying yes, when they want to say no (feeling guilt about refusing or giving excuses instead of the real reason for not agreeing). In contrast, others refuse requests aggressively, leaving the requester feeling guilt and upset.

The key to assertively saying no is to remember that other people have the right to ask- you have the right to refuse. At work, where the definition of your job may restrict your right to refuse, remember that you still have the right to state the difficulties the request will cause.

Hints for saying no assertively

*    Keep the reply short, avoiding long rambling justifications
*    Simply say no, “I don’t want to” or “I’d prefer not to”. These phrases are particularly useful for refusing personal requests
*    Give a reason for refusing if you want to, but don’t invent excuses
*    Avoid “I can’t” phrases as these can easily end up sounding like excuses
*    Don’t over apologise
*    Assert your right to ask for further clarification or more information before deciding
*    If appropriate, ask for more time to decide
*    If appropriate, try to find a workable compromise
*    Non verbal behaviour is important. Especially, with short replies, you   need to slow down and speak steadily and warmly. Otherwise, replies like “no, I don’t want to” can sound overly abrupt

DO

*    Remember your “rights”- to decide for yourself what you agree to, and what requests you refuse
*    Remember that the other person has rights and feelings too. Recognise and  acknowledge these needs while not losing sight of your own
*    Give a brief, succinct explanation of your standpoint IF the situation and your position allow it
*    Remember that it is also OK to say “No” without giving a reason, and without feeling guilty
*    Make your decision to agree to, or refuse, a request based on how you feel, not on what is expected of you, or how the other person thinks you should feel
*    Use the broken record technique, offering a workable compromise if appropriate
*    Keep calm, using a firm tone of voice when saying “No”
*    Remember to match your body language and non verbal communication to the words you use

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